Growing Up Is More Than Learning How to Get Good Grades

In many Chinese families, the questions parents ask their children most often are usually the ones that have immediate, clear answers: “How did you do on your test today?” “Did you finish your homework?” “What was your ranking this time?”

These questions are not inherently wrong. Grades, homework, and exams are undeniable parts of a child’s daily reality, and as parents, we cannot simply ignore them. In China’s current educational environment, academic performance does affect some of the concrete opportunities and choices our children will have in the future.

But slowly, as a father, I have come to realize that not everything important in a child’s growth can be seen on a score sheet. Some small changes appear on a Friday test paper, but many of the core capacities that matter most take years, or even decades, to fully mature.

Years ago, a well-known psychological study often referred to as the “marshmallow experiment” raised an interesting question. Children were given a simple choice: they could eat one marshmallow immediately, or wait for a period of time and receive two later.

While later research has shown that human development is far more complex than a single behavioral test, the question behind it remains meaningful for family life:

Are we only teaching our children how to pursue immediate results, or are we helping them cultivate the quiet ability to work toward something meaningful over a longer period of time?

In daily life, children quickly adapt to short-term feedback loops.

Homework is completed because a teacher will check it tomorrow. Studying happens because an exam is coming next week. Learning becomes closely connected with scores and rankings.

When results are good, children receive immediate encouragement. When scores drop, they are asked to improve.

This environment naturally teaches children how to respond to immediate pressure, but many of the most important qualities in life do not provide quick feedback.

Building a reading habit, developing physical strength, learning a language, and taking responsibility for one’s actions all require patience, quiet routine, and long-term consistency.

I am increasingly convinced that what we need to help our children build is not only the ability to achieve higher marks, but also the ability to take responsibility for their own lives.

A child who learns only to pursue external rewards may struggle when the immediate structure disappears—when there is no parent supervising them, no exam pressure pushing them, and no grade waiting at the end.

But a child who slowly understands why something matters, learns how to own responsibilities, and continues moving forward even when progress is invisible will carry those internal foundations into every area of adulthood.

The most important challenges they face in the future will not simply be exam questions. They will be moments when no one is watching or reminding them what to do.

This is why I believe education is not only about helping children adapt to a competitive evaluation system.

More importantly, it is about helping them gradually develop self-discipline and the ability to make wise decisions.

When children are young, it is normal for parents to provide external structure:

“It is time to study.”

“Organize your desk.”

“Finish your responsibilities.”

Children are still developing the experience and self-control they need.

But as they grow older, our responsibility as parents is to slowly and deliberately return those responsibilities to them.

The goal is to move from:

“My parents tell me what to do.”

toward:

“I understand why I choose to do this.”

The goal is to move from temporary compliance toward genuine ownership.

This transition requires parents to learn a difficult kind of restraint.

At the same time, cultivating long-term perspective does not mean suppressing children or teaching them that hardship itself is valuable.

True self-control is not about rejecting today’s happiness.

It is about helping children understand that some meaningful rewards require small commitments today.

Learning an instrument or a new language may feel difficult at first. Regular reading may not show obvious results immediately. Physical training may feel tiring in the beginning.

But these ordinary efforts slowly shape a child’s abilities, confidence, and character over time.

When I reflect on our family life, I realize that one of the easiest mistakes parents make is focusing too much on the things that are easiest to measure.

Scores are easy to see.

Rankings are easy to compare.

Exam results fit neatly into a number.

But whether a child is becoming more independent, whether they can handle setbacks, and whether they are learning to take responsibility for their own choices are much slower and more subtle processes.

Yet these invisible qualities often determine a person’s character and long-term stability.

Of course, we still hope our children do well in school.

Diligence in learning matters.

Knowledge matters.

And in today’s educational environment, academic results have practical value.

But grades should never become the complete definition of a child.

A child’s future will not only be determined by how well they perform when someone is evaluating them, but also by who they are becoming when they are left alone to manage their own lives.

As parents, what we truly hope to raise is not simply a child who knows how to pass exams.

We hope to raise a person who can face the world, carry responsibility with courage, and continue growing throughout life.

Growing up is far more than learning how to get good grades.

It is the slow and steady process of becoming someone who can take responsibility for their own life.